Understanding the Gaps: Relationship Identity, Preferences, and Practices

One of the most important—and most misunderstood—findings from The Bonding Project data is that how people identify, what they want, and what they actually do in relationships are often three different things.

These differences are not failures, contradictions, or signs of dishonesty. They are usually the result of complex social, cultural, and material realities shaping what feels possible at a given moment in someone’s life.

Understanding the distinction between relationship identity, relationship preferences, and relationship practices can bring enormous relief—and clarity.

Relationship Identity

How you name yourself

Relationship identity refers to the labels people use to describe themselves: monogamous, polyamorous, open, non-monogamous, solo, or undecided. These identities often carry emotional, political, or community significance. They can feel deeply true even when someone’s lived reality doesn’t fully match them.

Elements that shape identity include:

• Personal values and ethics

• Community belonging and language access

• Political or philosophical alignment

• Aspirational self-understanding

For many people, identity reflects who they believe themselves to be or who they are becoming, not necessarily what their current relationships look like.

Relationship Preferences

What you want

Preferences describe your internal desires: how many partners you want, how you want to share resources, what kinds of closeness feel nourishing, and what boundaries feel regulating.

Preferences are often revealed through:

• Longing and frustration

• Patterns across multiple relationships

• Fantasies about “ideal”relational setups

Someone may prefer non-monogamy but practice monogamy. Someone may prefer a deeply entwined partnership while identifying as independent or solo. Preferences are often more stable than practices—but harder to honor in constrained environments.

Relationship Practices

What you are actually doing

Practices are the structures, agreements, and behaviors that make up your real-life relationships right now.

Practices are heavily influenced by:

• Partner compatibility and availability

• Economic realities (housing, healthcare, childcare)

• Legal structures and protections

• Safety concerns and social risk

• Geography and access to community

• Time available to devote to relationships versus other things like work, education, caregiving responsibilities, etc.

Many people’s practices reflect compromise rather than preference—not because they are unclear about what they want, but because their context limits what is feasible.

Why These Three Might Not Match

Our data shows that disparities between identity, preference, and practice are incredibly common. These gaps are often shaped by forces larger than any individual:

• Religion and upbringing may constrain what feels morally or socially permissible

• Cultural norms influence which relationship structures are legible, respected, or safe

• Economics can dictate housing, childcare, insurance, and legal dependency

• Geography affects access to community, partners, and social support

• Race, gender, sexuality, and disability can change the stakes of visibility, risk, and choice

In this context, many people are not “living inauthentically”—they are navigating survival, care, and belonging the best they can.

If You Notice a Disparity in Yourself

If your relationship identity, preferences, and practices don’t align, that doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means there is information to explore.

Some reflective questions to consider:

• Is this gap temporary, or long-standing?

• What constraints are shaping my current practices?

• Which parts feel chosen—and which feel imposed?

• What would more alignment look like, even in small ways?

You don’t need to resolve everything at once. Sometimes alignment comes through gradual shifts, clearer communication, or renegotiated agreements—not dramatic overhauls.

Practical Advice for Navigating the Gaps

• Name the difference (to yourself first). Clarity reduces shame.

• Separate ethics from logistics. You can honor your values even when your circumstances limit practice.

• Communicate context, not just labels with partners. Saying “this is what I want, and this is what I can currently do”builds trust.

• Allow identity to evolve. You are not required to keep a label that no longer fits—or to adopt one before you’re ready.

• Be compassionate with timing. Alignment often happens in seasons, not all at once.

• Get some support. Find others who are also managing a gap between their relationship and their preferred styles and formats of bonding. Support groups, counseling, MeetUps, and online chatting with others in a similar situation can go a long way towards helping you understand what is happening, figuring out how to handle it, and feeling less isolated.

Alignment as a Direction, Not a Destination

The Bonding Project treats alignment not as a fixed state, but as a direction of travel. Your relationship identity, preferences, and practices may move closer together or further apart across different life stages—and that movement itself carries insight.

This profile is designed to help you name those dynamics, understand the forces shaping them, and make more intentional choices within the realities you’re living.

Your bonding style reflects your authentic preferences—not your current circumstances. Honor the gap between what you want and what you’re doing as information, not failure. And know that many people are navigating the same tension between ideal and real, between identity and practice, between who they are and what their world allows. You are not alone in this complexity.