Overview
Here we’ll go into more detail about what to expect while taking the test and after you receive your results. If you have additional questions, you can always check out our FAQs or email us at hello [at] bondingproject.com.
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How to take the test
While you are taking the test, focus on your "ideal" relationship style. Take this opportunity to step back, listen into yourself, and speak to what might feel true to your heart in a safe and thriving life. As much as possible, imagine the partner(s) you meet are not only willing, but eager to hear what might work best for you, and also to communicate what might work best for them. Similarly, try to answer the questions separate and apart from your current relationship or relationship status.
This is not a "polyamory test" nor it is a "monogamy test." We just want your results to be reflective of you right now. That said, approaching the questions quickly and intuitively usually provides the best results.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOUR RESULTS
We send your test results to you via email.* You will see the 4 bonding types: One-to-One, One-to-Many, Many-to-Many, and Solo. You will see each bonding type is paired with one of the “4 Cs”: Comfortable, Curious, Cautious, and Challenged for each bonding type.
The 4 combinations of the bonding types with the 4 C’s creates your Bonding Style.
Your Bonding Style suggests how you might relate to different ways of relating, or bonding. People’s ways of bonding can vary a lot, and so can your Bonding Style! Is it possible to be Comfortable with both One-to-One and Many-to-Many bonding? Yes, totally. Each Bonding Style is independent of the others, by design. We are all potentially many things.
The test and results are built in a way that we hope encourages curiosity, conversation, and exploration. Your results do not “dictate” or “determine” you are one way or another. Instead, we encourage you to use your Bonding Style to ask yourself and your partner(s) questions, and explore what genuinely feels right for you.
Below, we describe the 4 bonding types and the 4 C’s in detail to help you better understand your results. While many people will have one dominant, or comfortable, preference, it’s also very possible to have multiple dominant preferences, or none. We’re working on a broader analysis of all 4 results to be released later in 2021, but for the time being, we are thrilled to have you take this test to help you understand your own bonding style.
*You should get your results within 5 minutes, 10 max. Sometimes we get a flood of Bonders taking the test, our system gets overloaded, and your results can be delayed. If this happens, be in touch at hello@bondingproject.com! We will do our best to get you your results asap. We are a team of happy volunteers at the moment, and it may take a day or two to rectify things. We appreciate your patience!
A NOTE ON LANGUAGE
Bonding Styles do not use the conventional terminology of “monogamy” or “polyamory.” The list of those types of conventional labels is nearly endless, constantly changing, and at times highly contentious.
Instead, Bonding Styles seek to describe the basic structure of how people bond today. We try to stay away from culturally conditioned norms and labels as much as possible. In doing so, Bonding Styles seek to easily support the infinite other qualities of bonding that want to join the party of answering the question, “How do people bond?” Please see our FAQ on this topic.
We acknowledge, however, that all language contains bias. The language of Bonding Styles leads quickly to conventional notions and labels of how Exclusive/Non-exclusive, or how Open/Closed, one’s bonding may be. This in turn may lead to normative judgements about which of these labels is better/worse, hip/unhip, etc.
At The Bonding Project, we support generosity and curiosity around language. We do NOT support the use of language to induce judgement, appraisal, and control. Instead, we do our utmost to speak, act, and cultivate communities that use language in helpful ways to speak about squishy subjects.
We welcome you, dear Bonder, to join us in exploring language, terms, communication, and relationships while we all figure this out together!
the four types of bonding
ONE-TO-ONE: One-to-One bonders seek to share their romantic and sexual attention with one other person only. Likewise, they receive this attention from that one other person, and no one else. Their partner may also share exclusively with them, or their partner may bond with others as well, depending on the particular bond. Regardless of their partner’s bonding type, the One-to-One bonder prefers that they themselves give and receive their own energy, attention, and intention with one other person.
A common form of One-to-One bonding is what might be called “traditional monogamy.” In this case, both bonders are in a One-to-One bond with each other, and exclusive to other partners. Other forms of One-to-One bonding may be non-exclusive: One partner may prefer One-to-One bonding with their beloved, while the other partner has a variety of partners.
Common lingo for One-to-One bonding may be: monogamy, traditional marriage, exclusive partnership.
ONE-TO-MANY: One-to-Many bonders seek to share their romantic and/or sexual attention with more than one person. Each of these individual bonds may take its own form, depending on how the One-to-Many bonder and their respective partner(s) relate. For example, the partner(s) of the One-to-Many bonder may or may not know each other. Or, they may know each other in different ways. Also, the One-to-Many bonder may choose to have only one partner at any given time, and merely want to “keep the option open” to bond with potential partners in the future.
One-to-Many bonding typically puts the bonder in the center of a set of individual bonds with different partners. Each bond carries its own intentions, arrangements, agreements, and expectations. Because they are in the middle, the One-to-Many bonder is responsible for communication and balance between all these bonds. This is especially true when the One-to-Many bonder’s partner(s) do not know or interact with each other.
Common lingo for One-to-Many bonding may be polyamory, polygny, open relationship.
MANY-TO-MANY: Many-to-Many Bonders seek to share their romantic and/or sexual attention with a group, network, or community of interrelated partners. This may look like a set of friends, a close knit family, or an extended community support network. While people within the group know each other, or at least are not excluded from each other, bonding between individuals may take a variety of forms. Regardless, Many-to-Many bonding occurs with the group itself as much as with any set of specific individuals.
Many-to-Many bonding allows the group interests and identity to “share the table” with the individual interests within it. Individual concerns matter, and also the concerns of the group matter. This can create a sense of mutual opportunity as well as responsibility toward the group’s well-being. Many-to-Many is also the most interconnected of the Bonding Styles: Typically, group members know and rely on their other partners to some degree, and perhaps with full intimacy. Group members may date outside of the group as well, in a hybrid of the Many-to-Many and One-to-Many bonding types.
SOLO: Solo Bonders value autonomy and agency over security. They proactively seek independence in how they share their romantic and/or sexual attention. This may be because they’re more free-spirited in nature, or they have other commitments, like family, health, and/or career, that take priority and require flexibility in their bonding. Solo Bonders question default assumptions: they generally expect to be free of partner expectations and assumptions that fall outside of their specific arrangements and agreements. Solo bonders clearly assume “personal autonomy” for themselves and for their partner(s), prior to making any other expectations about their behavior or the partnership(s).
Solo bonding embraces both radical freedom and radical responsibility on an individual level. For example, Solo bonders may seek to renegotiate or rearrange their agreements at any time as part of their autonomy. Partners should expect, or at least not be surprised, that the Solo bonder chooses to chart their own course. This is not to say the Solo bonder “does whatever they want at any moment no matter what.” Rather, Solo bonding invites a deep ethical commitment to knowing oneself, communicating clearly, and affirming their partner(s)’ impressions and expectations.
The 4 C Model
The 4 C Model is our way of conveying how a person “fits” with a Bonding Style in four feeling-centered categories: Comfortable, Curious, Cautious, and Challenged. These are qualitative terms that try to suggest the experience of a particular Bonding Style for how a given person completes the test. There’s nothing “right” or “wrong” with any of the 4 C’s. For instance, being ‘Comfortable’ in a Bonding Style can feel safe and supported, and/or stagnant and boring, depending on the person. Our intention is to offer a tool for charting your own course. How do you look forward to experiencing your bonding?
Comfortable: Feels good, not at all threatening beyond the ups and downs of any relationship, and likely to be supportive for your well-being and growth.
This relationship style feels appropriate and stable for your heart and your head. It promises to offer good, healthy, satisfying experiences that support your life. It wouldn’t require re-aligning major aspects of your bonding life to allow well-being. This also feels like a bonding style that would easily offer security during difficult experiences. Thinking about being in this kind of relationship leaves you feeling safe, cozy, and generally optimistic.
Curious: This bonding style feels interesting, maybe good, possibly risky but not in a deeply threatening way.
“Curious” speaks to the place in you that wants to actively grow and evolve through bonding. You may not be completely sure about how this relationship style works, or feel yourself inexperienced. Regardless, you’re intrigued by it, sense you have the bandwidth, and are open to checking it out. You’re also open to some high and low points inherent in any learning curve.
Cautious: This bonding style feels interesting, maybe a worthy challenge, yet possibly risky in a threatening way.
“Cautious” means something in you is open and interested in this Bonding type, and another part of you feels decidedly scared or unsure. You probably would want to fully test the water before diving in. You might consider bonding this way under certain circumstances, maybe with support. It’s a style, however, that would require significant work and energy. Were you to engage in the work this bonding style asks for, it would likely impact the other parts of your life -- for worse, better, neither, or both.
Challenged: Feels risky, uncomfortable, “not right,” and possibly even actively painful. Your “boundaries,” full stop.
This style pushes against your boundaries, whatever they may be. Considering this relationship style leaves you feeling afraid, angry, inert, hemmed in, and/or unsafe. While not impossible, this is not a relationship style that you would intentionally choose. In fact, you might prefer no relationship at all compared to this one. If you were in this kind of relationship, it could be difficult and likely require outside support.
Sharing and Comparing with a Partner
We encourage conversations with your partner(s) to discuss your results. We hope you’ll be thoughtful when exploring. We’re currently working on a feature that provides analysis of your and a partner’s results. If you want to participate in our beta, be sure to sign up for our newsletter and join our community.